They say with age comes the confidence to be yourself. To do what you want without concern for what others are going to think or say about what you chose to do. I believe, because it happened to me, that confidence comes when you are no longer bound by the opinions of others. There is a freedom of choosing what is best for you regardless of the push back. It does not mean that you don’t care if people like you. It means that you LOVE yourself more than the “likes” from others. It means you don’t allow the opinions of others to determine your path. Imagine for a moment what that might look like, sound like, feel like.
At 18, I had a serious car wreck in my second semester of my freshman year at college. I finished that semester and that summer, went to work in the nuclear industry, working 72-84 hours a week! I needed to buy another car. I had just paid $3000 cash for a car and thought I was heading back to school. A few months after buying that car, a fifteen year old T-boned me running a stop sign and totaled my car. Long story short, I headed back to work in the nuclear field and stayed there for a few years.
I got married at 22. I had excellent credit, about $30,000 in the bank and I thought I was on top of the world. I was always told that success was having money and credit. “Work hard and you can have whatever you want”. I also thought I was happy. A few months into being married, I discovered my husband’s infidelity. I also discovered his irresponsibility of paying bills and his desire to spend money he didn’t have. If I didn’t give him the money he wanted, “there would be consequences”. Enter control, manipulation, and abuse. Arguments would leave me mentally and physically drained. He had me convinced I was “crazy”. I tried even harder to be a “better wife”. I gave him whatever he wanted. In fact, I was so desperate to make the marriage work, if the therapist would have said “if you cut your right arm
off, he will be all that you want him to be”, I would have cut my arm
off!! Fast forward almost 3 years and many more stories later, I was DONE. Done with feeling unwanted, unworthy of love, undervalued, and mentally, physically and spiritually tired. I filed for divorce. Did I still love him? Yes. Did I still wish things
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could have been different?
Absolutely. In the process of healing what was broken inside of me, unlearning all that I had learned, the reality of me staying stuck, in that relationship, in my life as I knew it, was gone. I had created a new reality. I had put myself back together, piece by piece. It took some time. I was 25 and I remember feeling like I was having a quarter life crisis. Who was going to want ME?
It's Not Where You Start, But When You Start
Every journey is an education into ones self and your surroundings. Here are some of the things I have learned so far
I hadn’t bumped into confidence and self love and respect yet. I was halfway there. I still had bad credit, I was buried in debt, no money in the bank and no self esteem. My self esteem had been tied to having money and credit. Who was I without it? I remember sitting in a therapist’s office and she asked me, “What makes you happy?”. All my answers were about making other people happy. Who was I if I wasn’t pleasing others? I had no idea!! Before my divorce, there was a period when I couldn’t trust my family or friends. My life felt like nails on a black board and all anyone wanted was for
me to be happy but being happy to them looked like me working on my marriage when I needed to be working on me. I only had control over me. My actions, my emotions. I was dying inside until I realized my purpose was not to stay locked in that marriage. I was bigger than that. I AM worth more than that.
Understand, my “change” came with some friction. Those that were used to taking advantage of me no longer could manipulate me with threats. Those that only stuck around for what they could get from me, left. People thought that I didn’t care about their feelings. I care deeply what people think of me. I genuinely want people to like/love me. The difference between the old and new me is, I don’t allow the opinions of others to control what I need to do for my happiness. Is the price of our happiness worth less than being popular? It is if you want to be miserable because you will NEVER make everyone happy. That is an inside job.
Good and bad habits are created from repeating the behaviors that caused them. Being consistent, whether good or bad, creates a habit.
Changing our perception by gaining clarity on what we think, hear, see, and feel will lead to a happier life.
Change is uncomfortable. Having someone who can hold your hand and lead you from a space of fear to fierce is key. Having to be accountable to someone for doing the work creates the momentum toward success.
Having a goal is good. Having a S.M.A.R.T. Goal is GREAT. Goals need to be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely.
Self Help and Self Care are not a one and done project. A car doesn’t get one oil change and that’s it. Our mental, physical and spiritual wellbeing is an ongoing process. Learning and growing more about ourselves as our lives evolve is essential and key to staying happy, balanced and centered.
Where we start is not where we end. “The journey of 1000 miles begins with taking the first step."
Are you ready to take the first step in your journey?
